Marriage Invaders–Identifying the Intruders
Seven inevitable hot spots you and your spouse will tackle in the church planting process
Brian and Melissa Hofmeister
In going from something to nothing, I (Brian) was caught in an undertow of problem solving. You can probably relate. Not all the sound equipment shows up, then you plug it in and realize school gyms echo like conch shells. Your trailer gets a flat. Two leaders quit. Some free bird willy-nilly on the setup team decides to arrange the chairs at a 30-degree angle, instead of the 20 degrees that you deliberately specified! Doesn’t everyone know that someone’s eternal destiny is at stake on whether or not we get this thing right? Let’s just say that going into launch Sunday, I was a tightly wound stress monster.
Melissa, who’s always better at listening to the Holy Spirit than me, practiced a lot of conflict avoidance for that launch season. Proverbs 15:1 became a familiar verse for her: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In time, I learned to do the same.
What did we learn from dealing with this hot spot in our marriage? For starters, even when Jesus is helping you, entrepreneurship is stressful. When things are stressful in ministry, grace in marriage helps you give grace to the church.
Hot Spots in the Planting Marriage
Everyone has hot spots—places and spaces in your personal life that work (or in our case, ministry) is never allowed to enter. They’re the spaces you draw lines around in an attempt to protect these areas from any outside intruders—your marriage, your children, your past. To put it simply, any place or space of your life that when invaded gets a wild reaction from you is a hot spot.
We’ve found church planting to invade specific hot spots in our marriage. Rather than overreact, God has helped us use these tensions to tie our marriage tighter, and make us better planters. Above, we talked about Hot Spot #1 that invaded us—stress. Below are six more.
Hot Spot #2: Staffed by Marriage
Chances are, the planting spouse will become volunteer staff. The lead planter is trying to be a jack-of-all-trades, pastoring all sorts of departments they’ve never led before. You want to practice delegation, but whom can you trust in big ways during this fragile stage? Next thing you know, your spouse is leading one or more key departments as volunteer staff–even if he/she didn’t “volunteer.”
I (Melissa) actually volunteered to be the First Impressions coordinator, as well as co-teach from time to time with Brian, but this volunteer work has been as heavy as a staff position. It’s important for spouses to know they can set their boundaries, and they don’t have to say yes to everything. If your spouse chooses to play a volunteer staff role, make sure it’s a role they’ll love—where he or she can use their talents and spiritual gifts. Don’t just fill the biggest volunteer hole.
Any application of Ephesians 4:12 leadership will get people to places where they thrive best. By taking on this role I’m passionate about, I get to serve in a way that honors my marriage, my church and my gifting all at the same time.
Hot Spot #3: Family Time
I (Brian) knew that while planting, I would have my sights set in the distance of where the church was going. I had to. I needed to. However, what I needed to do equally as well, was listen to Melissa’s voice whenever she said, “It’s time to come back for a while; the family needs you.”
I needed to give her permission to interrupt planting any time, over any issue, if she discerned that need for her or our kids. I also needed to set in stone daily time for our family (specifically 5-6:30 p.m.), because church planting will take every hour of every day if you let it. Following through on these things have made sure I’m still married, and that my kids didn’t hate me in the midst of planting.
Hot Spot #4: Sex
Yep, church planting even invaded my sex life. I (Melissa) never made the correlation to church planting when God called me in that same season to work on our sexual relationship. Not until well into church planting at least.
Wives need to understand that their husbands are in one of the most vulnerable positions of their lives while church planting. They’re questioning their worth, their leadership. Everyone else is questioning their worth and leadership, and they know it.
They need at least one person reminding them that they are in fact an irresistibly great leader, full of creativity, exploding with valued energy, and that someone wants all of that from them. The more confident Brian was as a husband and a man, the more he was ready to tackle the world. I helped grow his confidence as a church planter.
Hot Spot #5: Direction
Church planting is much more than a career change. The direction of the entire family goes along with the church. No one more than the planting family will internalize the mission, vision and values; you better make sure you can all agree on them. I (Brian) had to collaborate a ton with Melissa before going to press with a vision statement on what Lakepoint Church would be.
Hot Spot #6: Friendships
I (Melissa) have found friendships awkward on so many levels while church planting.
Moving to a new town, a new home and a new school district is pretty unsettling for a woman. I was trying to grieve a lot of uprooted relationships and dig into important new ones, all at the same time.
Additionally, everything felt personal. Anyone who joined the church became my “new friend.” When they left the church, would they still be my friend? It can feel like you’re inside a revolving door, watching friends get handed to you and taken from you, with no say in the matter.
Most difficult was never knowing what I could talk about with friends. Could I really listen to what people love or dislike about the church without seeing it as a reflection on Brian and me? Was it fair to talk about what my marriage needed, even if that affected someone’s view of their pastor? In the end, I’ve found a circle of friends at our church where I share certain aspects of transparency, and then a group of ministry wives outside our church where I can share the rest.
My husband’s occupation has scripted more of my friendships than I ever could have anticipated.
Hot Spot #7: Finances
No denying that the church plant and family finances are tied together. Even with a generous supporting network, I (Brian) would look at the attendance and giving numbers every Sunday afternoon and ask, “What does this mean for my family?” It wasn’t any easier for Melissa either. What woman would really want to put roots down again until she knows that this thing is working?
Money always likes to press on trust issues. Just like Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Phil. 4:12). God is the only provider out there, and planting has a strong way of raising your marriage’s trust in His care and provision.
All in all, church planting can definitely be a roller coaster ride. But when you’re sitting with the person you married, it makes the terrifying drops and unexpected loops (even the backward ones) bearable—and even thrilling. Enjoy the ride. Consider that God may just be using this adventure to start not only something great in your marriage, but also to build healthy families throughout your church.
Brian and Melissa Hofmeister planted Lakepoint Church in Brian’s hometown of Muskego, Wisconsin, in 2012. In 2006, Brian planted the Root48 House Church Network , extending faith to the young adult scene of the greater Milwaukee area. Melissa has served in various roles for Stadia since 2008 and is currently associate director of events. She also serves on the leadership team of Bloom!, a ministry of Stadia encouraging and leading other planter spouses, and is on the teaching team for Lakepoint Church. She and Brian enjoy speaking regularly in various venues, and coming up with adventures with their three boys. The Hofmeisters will be leading a workshop at EX East 2015 as part of the Ministry, Marriage & Family track.
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