Crying Over Spilled Coffee: When Things Don’t Go Right

By Phil Davis

What do you do when things don't go right for your small group?

I spilled a cup of coffee this morning. Not just a few drops mind you, but the entire cup…in my car. This now infamous cup of coffee that I had just filled to the brim landed upside down in the passenger seat, on top of my Bible Study, the book I was reading, Manhood for Amateurs, the CD packet for Behold the Lamb of God I was listening to, a copy of the Small Group Life Ministry Manual, not to mention all over the seat. It was at the worst possible time. Kids were all packed in the car ready for school…we were even on time. And then disaster struck. I spent the next 10 minutes cleaning as best as I could, wiping down the books, CDs, and soaking up the liquid that my car seat had drank up so quickly. Can you guess what my car smells like now? Dusty, cold coffee! Yuck! So in that moment, like it or not, I was modeling for my children what to do when things go wrong. Fortunately, no expletives spilled out of my mouth at the moment of impact. We even got to talk about it on the way to school. Like any good small group leader, I ask them questions. “So what do you guys do when something like that happens?” And we got to talk about how we are wired, what responses are good, what are bad, and how does God prepare us and speak into these moments.
It got me thinking about small group leaders and some of the small groups I’ve led. I’m dashing around like crazy trying to get everything ready for group. Vacuuming the living room, getting the coffee going, cookies in the oven, wiping down the counter, and it seems like a million other things at one time…and hoping that nobody shows up early! Without fail, it seems something goes wrong, sometimes terribly wrong. I’m trying to empty the vacuum canister, and it spills all over where I just vacuumed. I forgot to pick up some cream for the coffee and EVERYONE uses cream. There aren’t enough clean cups for everyone. Someone in the group knocks over their drink. Am I the ONLY one who has experienced this stuff???
So, what do I do when this happens? What do you do when things don’t go right in getting ready for group, or even during group? If you find yourself in that position, here’s a few ideas on how to respond:

1. Take a deep breath

This may sound overly simple, but this exercise will help regulate your heartbeat, settle your anxiety, and center your emotions. Expect groups to be messy–Just as in life, preparing for group time or even during group time, things can get messy. Recognize that this is a natural part of group life, and you are not the only person this happens to. You can also have a relatively high likelihood something like this will happen again.

2. Trust in the Holy Spirit

Make sure you don’t resign to the fear that your group meeting will not be transformational just because things aren’t going seamlessly. Trust that the Holy Spirit is far more powerful than the situation at hand and doesn’t depend on you or me to create the perfect environment. In fact, if you look at your own life, it’s often in the messiest of situations where God worked most powerfully to transform our own lives. Do you think group life is so different?

3. Allow yourself to be less than perfect

If you dropped the ball in some way and are less than prepared for your group, it’s important to forgive yourself. Things won’t improve by you constantly admonishing yourself and it will be a barrier for the group settling into study. The same goes for any group member who may have caused a disruption. You would do well to make sure that person (and the entire) group knows that mistakes are OK, this is a safe place to be human. Remember, it’s not up to you to change people’s lives (see bullet point above).

4. Take necessary action and move on

Do what you can in a matter of 5 minutes or less to improve the situation, and then move on with the group experience. If you have a spill or a mess, spot clean and save the carpet cleaning for after the meeting. If you’ve forgotten something for the group meeting, call a neighbor to see if you can borrow what you need or call a group member and ask if they could stop by to pick up what you need on their way to the group meeting, if time allows. The biggest thing is don’t sweat the small things. The reason people are in your group is because they want to do life together and allow God to transform their lives through the group experience. As good as they may be, people don’t come for your chocolate chip cookies or your Pumpkin Spice creamer.
These are all simple ideas, but sometimes it’s important to remember what’s important. If you needed it, I hope this gives you permission to forgive yourself on those rare meetings when things just seem to go wrong.   

Phil Davis, The Marketing Guy – I’m not just the marketing guy for Serendipity House and LifeWay Small Groups, I’m a case study for small group ministry! My life has been transformed (and re-formed) through the power of small groups and being on the Serendipity team for the past few years. I’ve learned how to interpret life. I’ve learned there is a difference between what I say I believe and what my actions show I believe. I’ve learned to view life through the lens of the Larger Story. I’ve learned what it really means to be authentic and that community is much more than a place “where everybody knows your name”. I’ve learned to pay attention to what moves me. I’ve learned how to be a friend, a father, and an ally to a band of “gypsies” unwilling to settle for anything less than redemptive community. This has changed everything for me, and I hope to share some of my journey with you! More from Phil Davis or visit Phil at http://www.SerendipityBlog.com/