Why You Need Permission to Mentor

By Peyton Jones

“I’ve made mistakes over my 22 years in ministry. As a guy who trains church planters for a living, I’ve entered into relationships where I didn’t ask their permission.”

I sat across from the church planter like his sending pastor had asked me to. Just as I’d done many times in response to requests from other sending pastors. The fact is that most sending pastors are concerned about the safety of the church planters they’re sending. Similarly, most planters are resentful of their sending pastors and feel held back.
When I come into a situation where the planter is meeting with me out of obeisance to his “line manager,” I’ve learned that building a relationship is crucial. For the first few visits, I’ll get to know the planter a bit. Ask questions. Listen. Tap at things. Nothing big at first. It’s all pretty casual. But then it’s time to make a switch. It’s time to put a ring on it before we go any further.
The next step is crucial to the mentoring/coaching process. I have to ask for their permission to mentor them.
You’ve probably heard that it’s generally frowned upon in polite society to give unbidden advice. The reason is that it’s considered to come from a place of superiority, where the advice giver considers himself better informed or more qualified than the person receiving it. We call people like that blowhards, or know-it-alls who suffer from “the smartest guy in the room” syndrome. I didn’t make the rules, that’s just what they are. Perhaps you’re the guy who believes rules are made to be broken, and that’s your call, but if I’m going to enter into a short-term coaching or long-term mentoring relationship with anyone, on any terms, I’m going to need their permission to speak into their lives.
Giving permission does a few things for the person receiving advice:

1. It postures them to receive it in a non-defensive manner. They asked for this, remember? They gave permission.
2. It establishes the advice giver as somebody who is in fact more qualified or experienced, and therefore able to speak into the situation of the person being mentored.
3. It establishes a respectful boundary. Although the time of both parties is valuable, it establishes the respect of the mentor’s time and knowledge. It allows the receiver to recognize that this time is for them specifically, for their good, and not for the mentor. The mentor is there to develop the receiver, and therefore, it is different than a friendship. It’s not time to shoot the breeze, catch up on politics or Star Wars. It’s a time to get down to business. The receiver isn’t doing the mentor a favor, and now he understands. That understanding brings the gratitude necessary for any student, whether it’s mentoring in martial arts, carpentry or church planting.

I’ve made mistakes over my 22 years in ministry. As a guy who trains church planters for a living, I’ve entered into relationships where I didn’t ask their permission. It always led to resentment. It may have been under the surface, but it was there. Sometimes, it may have been my presumption and arrogance. Other times, it may have been theirs. The problem was, there was no contract. No understanding. No expectations of our relationship. There was a world of difference between Paul’s relationship with Barnabas and his relationship with Timothy. One was of a ministry partner, and equal. The latter was like a father and son relationship. Paul had to approach them both differently. In many ways, Paul was the student and Baranabas was the teacher. These things need to be understood. Permission must be asked. Permission must be granted. It must never be taken for granted.
Peyton Jones is a serial church planter, having recently planted in urban Long Beach, Calif. He is the author of Church Zero (David C. Cook 2013) and the host of the Church Planter Podcast.  

Peyton Jones is the author of Church Zero and the Founding Coach of the New Breed Church Planting. He spent 12 years in Wales, UK where he planted churches, and served as the evangelist at Lloyd-Jones’s legendary church. A serial church planter, Jones is currently planting multiplication churches in urban Long Beach, California. He is the co-host of the Church Planter Podcast and Hardcore Church Planting Podcast. Peyton edits for Church Planter Magazine and trains planters online at www.jumpschooltraining.com More from Peyton Jones or visit Peyton at http://www.newbreedcp.org